AS SEEN ON TV � How the telly changed our homes

I saw some new variety of cookies in Tesco the other day - in the cereals aisle. I think they were yet another one of those substitutes for a sensible breakfast, marketed, presumably, at the apparently increasing numbers of people who regularly fail to find either the time to pour milk and cereal into a bowl, or to just grow up and eat fruit or something.

This new variety of pseudo-food shouldn't have taken me by surprise, though, apparently: "As seen on TV," it said on the box. Oh yes, I thought, of course, I'll have half-seen an ad at some point, won't I? Then I remembered, I don't have a TV.

One day my brain might start paying attention to what I'm doing� That's the least one should be able to expect, surely?

But anyway, it got me thinking: not about my brain's inattentiveness, but about what those words actually mean - "As seen on TV." Do they mean anything at all? It's a phrase now so deeply ingrained into our culture, yet what exactly are we supposed to take from it?

Well, the literal meaning is obvious, of course. But� well, so what? They've been on telly�. and? What do you want me to do about it? Even if you were to show me them on the world's largest High Definition LCD TV with full-on Dolby surround sound, I still wouldn't be moved to drop a pack of Kellogg's oaty choc-chip breakfast cookies into my trolley the next time I might be in Tesco. Just because they've been on telly it doesn't automatically mean they must be chewy and delicious, or any better for you than real food; just as no matter how many times Jordan appears on our screens doing that tiresome impression of a surly piece of mahogany with breasts, that doesn't mean she has any actual talents. And it never will.

Talking of people with no discernible talent beyond relentless self-promotion, another place you'll see "As seen on TV" is as a helpful reminder on posters for nightclub appearances by long-forgotten Big Brother contestants. Clearly, then, no good can come of these words. They're the celebrity equivalent of a leper's bell. Not even a warning; more a curse.

It's at Woolworths, though, that "As seen on TV" reaches the full heights of absurdity: wander around the shop for long enough and you'll find a whole range of gimmicky food chopping devices, stick-on lights, and complicated cleaning implements, all boasting this debatable achievement on their packets. You'll know when you've found them. They'll all be gathered around, and beneath, a television playing a seemingly endless video loop of them in action. Yep, as seen on TV indeed.

Still, be sure to stay until it plays the ad for a cheap lcd tv. How else are you going to learn that a huge teddy bear can be safely zipped inside one of these things, all the air sucked out with a hoover until the bag and bear are flat as a gym mat, so that - without fear of doing it the slightest damage - it can be merrily run over (and back) by your Land Rover driving husband? Yes, I know. Truly, it is a wonderful age we live in.

Or so it sometimes says on TV�

About the Author

For a range of goods from computers to garden products, furniture, cheap lcd tv through plasma tvs to clothing and even a four poster bed, uk.shopping.com and dealtime.co.uk are a great way to find products online, and include product reviews.

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